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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
This meeting could have been a cake
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.