[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
*seductively corrects your posture*
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?