If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Worth remembering.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t