[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
every single time
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
🤣🤣🤣
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables