firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
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Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?