sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
The little toadstool has spoken.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?