ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!