Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
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Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
*swipes right on my hand mirror
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.