If I ignore life will it go away?
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*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Trumpy Cat
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller