Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
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Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Why is no one talking about this?!
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO