my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
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Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.