I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.