The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Saw your ex at the shops
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
That took me a moment.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18