I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro