my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
looks legit
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do