friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
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Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave