Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election