Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
work smarter, not harder
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
how high up are we talkin’?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.