Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
reminder
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job