You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.