(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible