I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Great Canadian literature.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.