“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase