Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I need this for my side hustle.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.