I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”