Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
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Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.