My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
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Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
B
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.