If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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do horses think humans are hats
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Bring back the McRib
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.