Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Y’all ready for this
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands