*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
i think both sides are to blame here
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority