If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.