*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.