*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Ain’t no way
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.