Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
mariah carrie
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU