Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.