[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
You Might Also Like
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and