In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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Passwords are more important than ever.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case