He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
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i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I am a gravy boat captain
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”