Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
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Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
forgive me baja for i have blast
Friday night party time 🥳