Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Lucky old June.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car