Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
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If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.