I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that