Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room