What kind of a cult is this?
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
*checks Timeline*…
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The smoothest fall of all time
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.