I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
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i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
blocked.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.