sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.