When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Holy crap this is wonderful
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot