You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
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Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
They’re not wrong
Bike is short for Bichael.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*