Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
They’re on their honeymoon
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*weighs self after shaving
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.