Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.